I’ve taken quite a break, yeah? 2 weeks which is a long time for this little blog. A lot has happened in this head of mine. I used to love all things social media. It was so much fun seeing pictures of my friends, reading funny memes, catching up on people’s families and vacations and everyday adventures.
And then it got hard.
Friends would get upset if pictures weren’t liked (dumb). Arguments broke out among people who would never have the balls to talk the same way face to face. Passive aggressive quotes and pictures were posted after hard situations with friends. Unfriending or unfollowing sent a stronger message than what it might just look like at first glance. Social media became a mean place, an angry place, a place that reminded me how courageous and outspoken people are behind a computer screen. I’ve never understood that. I say what’s on my mind, face to face or through a keyboard. Friends get awfully brave when they don’t have to see the hurt in a face. All of this has happened over the course of the last couple years, at different times, in different ways, nothing I’m saying is towards just one person or one circumstance and sometimes it’s happened not to me but to friends and people I really care about and that is just as bad.
This year has been a rough one for me at times. I talk about anxiety a lot, so *SURPRISE* I’m talking about it again. It got really bad to the point of me going to the ER thanks to a panic attack. I decided to give up Facebook. Everything posted by friends who I’d been hurt by felt like a personal attack, even if it wasn’t. I found myself being uber sensitive when that’s not who I am at all. And it feels weird and ‘off’ to feel like who you are is changing, not in the way you want.
So here’s what I’m doing to remedy the sitch:
- I’m blogging more. Blogging is like my journal and publishing my journal is like therapy to me. Being able to go back and read what I’ve felt is important to me and I think that if anyone can relate to it, it’s important to them too.
- I’m seeing a new doctor who is helping me sort things out better than I ever thought I’d be able to do. I’m learning a lot about myself and I’m rediscovering my confidence and positive self image and that means everything.
- I’m quitting Facebook. I’m teaching myself not to care about what people think of me as long as I’m kind and generous. I’m learning that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and not everyone is mine and that’s okay. I’m learning to let it go and letting go of Facebook actually helps quittttttte a bit believe it or not. I value people for exactly who they are and when what they portray online is different, it makes me upset and I feel betrayed. I take things too seriously.
- I’m learning to let things go (see above comment about taking things too seriously). I’m trying to just let things go. With some help from meds because, honestly, not everyone can be like Danny.
- I’m prioritizing. What’s important? What’s not? Let go of what’s not and don’t do things just because people ask you to. <—- I get sucked into a lot.
I’m so happy, that’s the truth. My kids are incredible, Danny is amazing and my friends are great. I try to reflect all my feelings in my posts — so there’s lots of party posts and fun posts and vacations posts and kid posts and scattered throughout are these honest posts, the ones where I admit to feeling a bit lost sometimes and when my struggles are shared. That’s a true representation of my life. It’s so good and fun. And just sometimes it’s not. I think anxiety gets smashed together with depression a lot. And sometimes I know they go together but for me they don’t; I don’t have depression and I’m so thankful for that. My anxiety is very pinpointed, it’s directed at something very specific and it centers around that completely. I think people are sometimes surprised to learn about my anxiety disorder and the fact that I really struggle with it sometimes. I appear to be confident and I am in many areas of my life: as a mom, as a wife, as an advocate…so it doesn’t affect every piece of my everyday. And that’s hard for people to wrap their brains around. “So, you have anxiety, but you just took all your kids to the Farmer’s Market alone. And had a good time. You don’t have anxiety.” I usually just nod my head and laugh. Because even though it’s hard sometimes, life is also awfully funny.