Okay, so I have some amazing friends. Some really awesome, hilarious, and generous friends. Leann, Jess, Cenone, Hailey, Tara, Megan, Sadie, and Arod to name a few.
But I feel like there are people out there in the world who are missing out on my friendship.
No, you totally heard (read?) that correctly. They are missing out on my friendship.
I am SO certain that the following people and I would be friends if we were given the chance. C’mon, God, you’re doing the world a disservice by not bring our genius and hilarious minds together. God reads this blog, right? Well he should. Right over there, dude. Right hand side. “Subscribe to blog.”
(TOTAL and COMPLETE Disclaimer: I flatter myself to the nth degree in this post. I hope you know me well enough by now to know I’m being sarcastic. Like when I talk about looking good in a bikini….I totally don’t look good in a bikini. Sarcasm.)
Anthony Bourdain. First of all, he’s totally inappropriate and uses horrible language. This is something I’m totally okay with. It’s true, I can swear with the best of them (I can hear my mom saying to me right now, “It’s never embarrassing to use good language.”) and I’m fine with some inappropriateness here and there. Secondly, he’s a really good chef and I happen to be a really good eater. Who doesn’t want to be BFFs with someone who thinks everything they make is delicious? Thirdly, he likes to travel and so do I. I mean, if I were given the chance to travel, I’d really like it. I think we’d have fun traveling. I’d bring Dan with me and Dan’s even better than I am and I actually think I’d be the 3rd wheel. I’d take it.
JLD. I love this girl. I suppose for this to be an accurate statement, I’d have to actually know her, not her characters. But I’m going to assume that she’s as funny in real life as she is in-character. I can totally see myself having a conversation with her where we are making SO MUCH FUN of something, being hilarious as all get-out, but not laughing. Because we are that funny and that awesome that we don’t need to laugh at each other’s jokes. We’d just keep ’em coming. We would be those friends.
P-Rod. Paul Rodriguez. Okay, so Danny and I could definitely hang with P-Rod and his wife. They would be off skating and me and his wife would be sitting by the pool (probably in bikinis and I’d look rockin’) watching our adorable kids play. And we’d totally talk about cool stuff and we’d just be cool by nature because skaters and their wives are TOTALLY cool. We should be friends.
#1) I want to be good friends with someone who can teach me how to speak with a very believable English accent so that when I go on vacation I can bust it out and no one would think I was faking it. I once tried this with Spanish and I got pretty far until my vocabulary was just short of complete. #2) She’s really cute and her hair always looks good. Currently, this is also true of all of my real-life friends so Rosie is already fitting in. #3) We could do mom stuff and talk about kid fashion and I feel like maybe she would be into yoga, so maybe we’d go to some awesome Yoga studio and practice. Then afterwards we’d all go get coffee. All of us meaning Hailey, too, because she’s a Yogi.
Seriously. Who doesn’t want to be best friends with Steven freaking Colbert? He’s awesome. He’s hilarious and I’d laugh at every single one of his jokes. I’m also going to be very confident in saying that I’m also smart enough to understand some of his more subtle humor. I think he’d laugh at my hilarious jokes, too. Because I’m freaking hilarious. We’d just be laughing all day long. I wonder if he likes kids? I hope he wouldn’t mind 5 kids running around while we were being hilarious all day…
Tina Fey. See: Steven Colbert. Same reasons why we’d be friends. Also, I think she has a daughter named Alice. Friendship status is solid already. I get the impression that she isn’t fussy and prissy and she’s pretty real. ie: I can picture her wearing Converse shoes, jeans, and a hoodie to the store and not even apologizing for it. I like that in a friend. Maybe because I pretty much dress like that every day.
Now, friends, this is just the beginning of my “should-be friends” list. There are so many more that my head hurts just thinking about it. But don’t you worry. I’ll introduce you all to my friends in time.