Captain Awkward and the Week of Lame Blogging

You’re going to have to excuse me and my lazy blogging. I’ve been so very, horribly, seriously ill.

I’m kidding, I’ve just been lazy. But not too lazy to give myself a title: captain. So please, when referring to me, don’t forget the captain. I’m Captain Awkward which we’ll get into later.

But first, here’s a recap of our week:

Olive is the cutest baby aliiiiiiive.

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I don’t think it is kosher to take pictures while in savasana. But I did it.

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In an attempt to step up my beauty game (because, seriously, I don’t ever want to be photographed next to Tara, Cenone, Hailey, Haley, or Sadie….oh, wait, they are picture taking fools…) I looked through my new Bobbi Brown book. This girl’s “before” photo makes me wanna puke:

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KJ gave me this awesome birthday card.

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Jamie got a hair cut.

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Alice rocked her outfit this week. She usually does.

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We are adding to our flock with 2 turkeys (named Bon and Appetit) and 3 chickens (Penelope, Felicity and Murray). They went from a storage bin to a cat carrier to this. We lost a turkey twice. The first time it was behind the freezer and the second time we found him behind Dan’s work bench. He’s not getting out of this.

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We love our chickens. (Shirley, Mocha, and Pinkie Pie)

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Hailey. Is. Awesome.

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[dear hailey, i’m posting this because i’m not only proud of you for rocking the headstand, but also because you are cool and everyone should see the proof.]

Charlotte is awesome.

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Megan got me the best cookbook for my birthday and I’ve made so many cookies. They are delicious.

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I woke up and snuggled with this baby before going to yoga.

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These are my new favorite kicks.

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Jamie and Alice had a little dance thingy…here’s Jamie.

And finally….

…we went to the Library fundraiser and got to take a look at the new library. OH. MY. GOSH. It’s amazing. The architect did such a great job. It’s a crazy-old building and they were able to keep some of the brick and wood floors. It looks super sophisticated and big-city. I’m so excited to hang out there.

Okay, so this is a good time to start talking about how I’m Captain Awkward. So basically, I get super nervous when I talk to people. I have always been shy, but I feel like this anxiety when it comes to talking on the phone (I never answer my phone when it rings) or talking to people I don’t really know very well has hit me fairly recently. Like in the last couple years. So you obviously want examples of how weird and awkward I am.

(1) Moments of silence scare me. So I just say things. Like to someone who is buying clothes from me who I know through friends: “So…you’re hosting a party this weekend?” Like…really Ruthie? Why? Silence is okay. Just keep slicing that onion you’re getting prepped for dinner. It’s weird that you would bring that up, even if it is true, because that means you were talking about this person’s party with someone else. Weird.

(2) I sound like a freaking idiot. At the library gala, I started just talking really quickly about the cute centerpieces my mom put together (I also talk really quickly about subjects no one cares about). It was a NY city scape. But ya know what I said? I said, “These are so cute, you should see the little Eiffel Towers!” Uhhhhh…..I do believe the Eiffel Tower is in Paris. Paris, France. What you’re trying to say, Ruthie, is Empire State Building. But you can’t take back what you’ve already said. And even if people are really nice and nod when you try and tell them that you aren’t really that stupid and you really didn’t mean Eiffel Tower, you know that they think you don’t know your shit. I do. I know it, you guys.

(3) Talking to acquaintances who I try and be friends with can sometimes make me sweaty. When I know someone well through the internet, I like to pretend that I’m better friends than I probably really am with them. I like their pictures all the time, follow the same people they follow on IG, that kind of thing. But when I see them in real life, I turn into the 13 year old Ruthie. The chubby one who follows around the cool kids at school and am only cool by association (which isn’t cool at all). I saw my friend Jackie tonight and I instantly got sweaty. She’s cool. And totally cute and fashion. And there I was in my jeans with a major muffin top and I started talking and couldn’t stop myself even though my mind was yelling at my mouth. It wouldn’t stop. I can’t even remember what I said, but I’m sure it wasn’t cool. Oh, wait, I do remember. There was a moment of silence and I blurted out, “So do you guys watch Showtime?” What. The. Hell?! She’s probably never going to like one of my photos again.

(4) I’m lucky that I already have friends who have invested too much time and money in me to just quit being my friend. Money as in…birthday presents and Christmas gifts. But also money as in…I buy my friends gifts and make them be my friends. Because I’m 99% sure that if I didn’t have cute kids and if I couldn’t pick out badass gifts, I would have one friend: my mom. Because she has to be my friend. But thank God she doesn’t have to deal with me alone. I have awesome friends who don’t call me, but text me instead. Who know exactly how awkward I am…but don’t really care. Or, they care and just talk about me after I leave, which I’m totally okay with.

(5) See? I even ramble in my blog.

Signing off,

Captain Awkward.

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3 thoughts on “Captain Awkward and the Week of Lame Blogging

  1. Georgia

    There is absolutely no one like Ruthie…..you always have been so special in my eyes..awkward..never…do you know how many people envy you…do you know how many people are amazed by you? I will always be your cheerleader…and I will always be your friend….not just your mom!

    Reply
  2. Ellen

    I hope you realize that no one thinks you’re as awkward in person as you do. and that your anxiety sweats about me seeing your bath tub still makes me giggle.

    Reply

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